Monthly Archives: April 2013

Sometimes questions and their answers are just words.

Have you ever panicked and spent hours on the verge of a panic attack trying to decide how badly you should be punished for your best not being good enough?  I bet you have, I may be weird but I hope I am not totally abnormal!  I find this happens to me most on issues having to do with my children.  I can handle the consequences of my choices that affect me.  But what about the choices that I have made for my kids?  They are subject to these decisions without a real say.  You think you are making healthy choices for them, but are you?  You really cannot know until later.  It is kind of like planting your garden.  You stick those seeds into the soil, you already shoveled it up and amended it, poured over seed choices to pick the best one, researched when you could safely stick them in the ground; and then you wait.  And it takes time to find out how those choices are gonna play out.  In my garden, a poor choice just leads to me driving to Shaw’s and picking up something for dinner.  But my kids are something different.  They are my heart and soul, my earthly everything.  It just eats away at my insides, the not knowing how my choices are going to play out over time.  Will they be healthy?  Will they be happy?  What will they say about the choices I made for them?  Will they be able to tell that even the ones that didn’t go as planned were made with all the love and concern in the world?  And will that matter to them?  Sugar, no sugar, television, no television, antibiotics, tinctures, homeopathy, conventional care, home birth, hospital birth, fluoride, no fluoride, to spank, not to spank, attachment, punitive, day care, home care, public school, home school, night time nursing, early weaning, gmo’s, non gmo’s, organic, non-organic, waldorf, montessori, water, juice, music lessons, gymnastics, early bedtime, late bedtime………  Everyday we are expected to make decisions for our families, and we make them with care.  But with a normal margin of error, we are bound to screw them up a certain percentage of the time.  I hope that when it is all said and done, my kids look back and know for a certainty that we gave them the best of ourselves.  And I hope that it is enough.

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You Are Who You Are!

We all know we are what we eat, so what is this you are who you are???  My daughter, Princess Piper, has shown me without any doubt that we are born the person we are going to be.  Since she first began to toddle about she has had a keen sense of fashion, going through her rack of pretty frocks with delight.  The first time I took her shopping, I was pushing her in the cart between clothing racks and she reached her tiny hands out with absolute glee to touch the passing clothes!  The look on her face was so foreign to me, that I pushed her back and forth a few times just to watch her blissful expression.  I should say, her response to the clothing was so foreign to me, I do not think I can ever look at clothes the same way again!  The first time I ventured into baby Gap with her, she was in heaven.  She picked blueberry colored skinny jeans and a matching blueberry sweater.  She slapped a pink Gap baseball cap on her head, backwards of course, and crammed her feet into some pink sandals.  She was a vision in blueberry.  I tried to sway her choice, even a sales lady brought her some other colors to try to break up the blueberry.  It was all to no avail, she would not even consider anything else.  She had made her choice.  She refused to relinquish any of the items even long enough to pay.  She walked out of the store in that outfit.  She wore her blueberry skinny pants (as she calls them) today and cried profusely when forced to take them off at bedtime.  The tears slowly stopped when she was promised she could put them back on in the morning.  This was a very different reaction to an outfit from the outburst of this morning.  I pulled a cute little green corduroy jumper over her head and she immediately started shrieking at me.  “It not pretty mama!  I don’t yike it, take it off!  It not pretty!!!”  This was repeated over and over until I got it back off of her and asked her to select her own outfit.  A purple top and purple leggings of course.  I find Princess Piper so fascinating, she has such a mind of her own, such bull headed determination. But her obsession with pretty clothes is beyond me.  I am an ongoing episode of what not to wear, I hate shopping for clothes.  I have a strange affinity for old wool sweaters and Gap jeans, and I love green.  I just wear what ever is closest to the top of my drawer.  And I wear them till they die.  And that can take years.  I was flipping through Prince Piper’s baby book and noticed that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore 5 years ago to our adoption proceeding!  So where did my daughters passion for fashion come from???  Pretty sure it didn’t come from me, and I am pretty sure she is going to cost a lot to clothe as she grows up!  Back to you are who you are, I was born with a passion for paper.  My mom has a picture of me surrounded by acres of unrolled adding machine paper and the look on my face pretty much guaranteed that I would end up surrounded by reams of paper.  And I am, I love it.  All kinds, fancy paper, tissue paper, card stock, scrap booking paper, construction paper, printer paper, graph paper, sketch books, pastel paper, water color paper, different weights of drawing paper, scrap paper, cardboard, paper bags, origami paper, kite paper, so much paper.  I am unapologetic, I am a paper lover.  I have hundreds of books, not only do I love to read, but books are made of PAPER!!!  I have tried to fight my paper collecting for years, tried to control it, organize it, even burn it.  But it just comes back.  I am going to just accept it, just like I have had to accept my daughters love for frills.  You are who you are, that’s all there is to it.

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